the only way out is through

2 years.  104 weeks.  731 days.  17,544 hours.  it's been a long time.  it has also felt like a speedy flash of light.  how has it been two years since I was alone in the cold, dark desert of Nevada, experiencing life from a place that I FINALLY realized did not suit me?  how has it been two years since the day I drank my last sip of alcohol and got to work to change everything I didn't like about my life?   how have I grown so much, and healed so much, and changed so much in two short years?  and how fast will the next 2, 4, or 10 years pass?

perhaps it's being present that speeds up time.  maybe its because when we live aware and present we experience life in a very different way.  with booze, one of my biggest objectives was to exist in a state of numb.  to pass the days without feeling anything that was happening to me that day and to erase the memories and pain of many things that had happened to me in the 30-something years that led up to that day.  I think it's easy to see how surviving in that perpetual state of stupor can make time drag miserably on.  

I'm experiencing an interesting lineup of emotions as I write this post today.  two years is a big deal, that's why i'm here...but, i'm having a difficult time expressing my feelings around my relationship with alcohol now.  its so far outside my field of vision.  there are even times I forget about its prominence in our societal existence.  its nothing I want.  its physical, emotional, and mental side effects are not welcome in this body and mind.  but at the same time, alcohol is at the root of everything I spend my time focusing on because alcohol (and my choice to end my relationship with it) was my inspiration to begin this healing journey in the first place.  that's the crux of it.  this celebration of two years is a celebration of so much more than my freedom from alchohol.  while I am celebrating my achievement extensively, I'm also celebrating two years of progress, two years of change, two years of significant growth, two years of the pains that come with said growth, two years of healing from trauma, two years of breaking cycles with my ancestors cheering me on.  Most likely my favorite thing to celebrate, I've had two more years with the human being who means the most to me in this whole universe and I get to keep him for the rest of my life because I did the really hard thing and have not stopped working since the day I put down my last beer.  the love he has for me and the faith he has in me are second to none.  always my biggest supporter, without question.

in closing I would like to express that if any of you who I know and love have questions or curiousities about my journey, I'm happy be a resource and share my experience...but it is only that, my experience.