don't you go to war with yourself, it don't look good on you

where to begin on this one escapes me and has prevented me from writing on this subject (or at all) for some time. so i'm just gonna jump in.  

october 2019.  one year ago.  i was running.  not in the good way...  i was running from myself, my own feelings.  i was running from a lifetime of sadness and unresolved trauma.  i was running from my own mistakes.  from a broken relationship and the pain i caused a person i deeply love.  

i found myself living in a camper in the desert outside of reno, nevada. 

don't get me wrong, the views were unmatched.  the company was tops.  but i landed there because i was running from so many things.  of course i didn't know it at the time, i had convinced myself that i was on some grand adventure.  if that was true, it was the saddest, most lonely adventure i'd ever been on.

then, late one chilly night in early november, i drank my last beer. 

that last beer was a symbol of things that would no longer be a part of me.  that last beer resembled my last lie, the end of self-hatred, the end of running.  when i drank that last beer on a monday night, i commited to living a different life from the inside out.  for the rest of my life.  i was also completely scared.  

getting sober less than two months before 2020 showed up could seem like bad timing.  and if i'd known what 2020 had in store for the world before it happened...sobriety would have seemed like the worst idea.  ignorance is bliss and i moved forward, unknowingly.  i'm glad i didn't know.  i conquered milestones, my confidence grew, my strength and courage grew, and i was loved.  so loved.

one week.  

one month. 

two months. 

three months. 

4 months. 

5 months. 

6 months. 

9 months. 

10 months.

each its own celebration.  and with each celebration i felt stronger. happier. more beautiful. and closer to finding my true self.

today, as i approach a very significant milestone reflection is nearly constant.  day 4 i remember thinking, "there's no way i'll ever make it to a year."  but i kept trudging anyway.  just like they say.  one day at a time.  and here i sit 342 days later.  with 342 days of sobriety.  342 days of healing.  342 days of growth. 

i'm not the same person i ever was.  change is happening for me constantly.  i'm working hard.  digging deep.  i have found a trust and a love for myself that i was unaware could exist.  i've found peace and i will work to keep it.  always.